People with cancer are supposed to be heroic. We fight a disease that terrifies everyone. We are strong because we endure treatments that can feel worse than the actual malignancies. We are brave because our […]
Blogger John Pavlovitz recently wrote a must-read post that tackled the adolescent male sex drive, and it’s a fantastic piece about masculinity, self control, personal responsibility and respect. Here’s an excerpt: Young men, I need […]
How do you help a boy transition to manhood? Some modern dads think a trip to Hooters does the trick, but they’re hindering their sons from becoming real men. When does a boy become a […]
John Green, you owe me a box of Kleenex. Like millions of other chicks, I cried my way through “The Fault in Our Stars” – both the book and movie. Crying doesn’t quite describe it. […]
None of the travel websites include “hang out with a Puerto Rican family” on their “Things to do in New Jersey” lists. Hmm. Maybe they should. I should have warned my husband and kids. We […]
We all know teen pregnancy is a serious issue in our society, and many young people drop out of school because they can’t meet the demands of parenting, studying and supporting a family. Very few […]
It must be brutally hot in Quebec, Canada. That’s why Lindsey Stocker, an 11th grade student at Beaconsfield High School, decided to protest her school’s dress code policy. She was sent home last week because […]
At last, nerds are popular! The world has finally elevated every kid who hung out in the science lab, band hall, calculus class, art studio or theater. Thousands of us have waited decades for others […]
Moms know all about developmental milestones, and we track them religiously when our children our small to make sure everything is on track. However, few moms know they have developmental milestones of their own such […]
Who is responsible for what Elliot Rodger did? The 22-year-old student went on a vengeance-induced rampage last week in a California college town and stabbed three men to death in his apartment, killed two women […]
Hey kids, I’ve got a secret to share with you. Your parents are hiding the truth from you, and it’s best you know before it’s too late. Here it is- Your grandparents are not the […]
Mother Nature is a punk. She lulls me outdoors to see the flowers and feel the breeze on my face – for the sole purpose of loading that breeze with cranium-clogging levels of pollen. She […]
Do you want your Roadkill Goldfish to go? Check out the new take-out menu of podcasts. Some of your favorite Roadkill Goldfish content is currently available as downloadable MP3 files so you can listen at […]
The average American thinks he or she is smarter than the average American. According to a new study by opinion research firm YouGov, 55 percent of Americans feel this way. Only 4 percent say they […]
Common Core. It was supposed to save the American education system and even the playing field for minority students with its promises of consistent guidelines for what every student should know and be able to […]
Kevin Durant wins the award for Best Son EVER for praising his mama during his emotional MVP speech. Here’s just part of his speech: “You made us believe. You kept us off the street. Put […]
Dear fellow mom, I searched long and hard to find the perfect Mother’s Day card for you, but there was nothing that truly captured the real essence of what you do for your family. The […]
Lisa Abeyta’s father has Alzheimer’s Disease, and he has lost his ability to speak. However, the words and emotions flow easily when Lisa’s dog approaches him. The bittersweet clip ends with a poignant reminder from […]
A lot can happen in one year. Roadkill Goldfish was officially born on April 27, 2013 because writing was a whole lot cheaper than therapy. It started with a few dozen readers and ballooned to […]
I am a former feminist. Despite our shared bonds of breasts, ovaries and male oppression, my feminist sisters have disappointed me. Everything changed, and I had no choice but to leave our 13-year relationship […]
Sci-Fi Deficit Syndrome often has hilarious consequences. Watch what happens when this mom describes the plot of “The Matrix” to her adult son. Get the newest posts from Roadkill Goldfish delivered straight to your […]
He stood before me and gingerly cradled the box. Unwilling to believe my good fortune, I hesitantly walked toward him and tried to peek at the precious items he held with his muscular arms. Those […]
There was one conversation I never wanted to have with my children. The conversation had nothing to do with sex, drugs, drinking, my past or any of the other topics some parents seem to stumble […]
Watch 80-year-old Paddy silence her critics on “Britain’s Got Talent” and prove that it’s never too late to follow your dreams. She put her dancing career on hold to raise a family and tend to […]
How do you calm children down after months of stress and hype over standardized tests? How do you reassure everyone that the scores won’t be used to punish neighborhoods, penalize kids who don’t do well, […]
Are you looking for a way to mortify both moms and their tween daughters? Go bra shopping at your local mall. You’ll find the tween underwear sections filled with underwire, heavily padded and push-up bras […]
Annoying Top 40 songs. Every Saturday morning. With an energetic little girl. What could go wrong? Check out this dad who recorded the parental torture he endured for three months at the hands of a […]
Her sons are 2,000 miles away from her. She’s spent almost three years trying to bring them home, but her boys are trapped in the middle of a nightmarish swamp of red tape. She takes some […]
This post is dedicated to every parent who has ever spent two consecutive hours playing “Barbie Goes to the Ball, But the Prince Doesn’t Like Her Dress” or “GI Joe in Cowboy Gear Versus the […]
The standardized testing season is officially upon us. Despite all the protests,opt-outs and horror stories, many of our government leaders still think standardized test overuse and abuse is okay. Our written words have had little […]
I have spent the last several weeks as an activist against standardized testing abuse. Perhaps I should have watched the video below before I started my campaign. If I had, I would have learned that […]
If every trip to Toys-R-Us could end like this… Enjoy 12 seconds of this little guy’s Jedi-infused destruction. Kudos to Dad for making everything an adventure.
Puberty sucks for both parents and adolescents. It’s a clumsy and hormonally-psychotic rite of passage that makes parents pine for toddler tantrums and makes teens look forward to the day they can put their dreadfully […]
I need your help. Okay, it’s more than me. Millions of parents, teachers and children need your help. As you may be aware, I’m not a big fan of standardized testing and corporatization in our […]
This is what happens when you get your man to do your make-up for you – the look is either embalmed corpse or psychotic circus clown. Gotta love these guys for trying. Click the video […]
Are we putting too much emphasis on standardized testing? Watch this “inspirational” video from a Texas school district and decide for yourself – if you can get through the typos. 1. Your child will spend 24 hours […]
More proof that Disney music impairs cognitive function in healthy adults. Watch the kid’s reaction.
I know it’s hard to be a kid today, and I awkwardly discovered I may be part of the problem. Before you get too smug, understand the problem is not the rules you have to […]
He donned his WWII uniform and stood in front of his house to inspire runners as they passed by. However, the runners were more interested in cheering for him and thanking him for his service. […]
Consider this a long overdue spanking for Rachel Canning and her lawyers. In an unbelievable case of “Oh no she didn’t,” Canning, an 18-year-old New Jersey cheerleader with a whole slew of respect and behavior […]
Dear Parents, We recognize many of you have questions and concerns about the use of standardized testing in our nation’s public schools. We believe these tests provide excellent data about children’s academic progress, and the […]
February was “Show Some Love for our Teachers” month at Roadkill Goldfish. Readers were encouraged to reach out to public school teachers who made a difference in their life or in the life of their child. Many […]
This video will cause happy tears. Get the tissues. Ah, there are good people out in this world.
God has a sense of humor. I recently learned my “Proof that Christians are stupid and hateful morons” post ended up on an atheist social media site. It actually had a few likes, until someone decided […]
This video is entirely appropriate in light of my family’s recent four-day battle with stomach flu and the standardized testing mess that is constipating my kids’ lives. I hope you this inspires you as much it […]
The following is a real email that was sent to my home. In a nutshell, my daughter is required to spend about 90 minutes a week doing online lessons to prepare her for the upcoming […]
I’m battling a culture that wants my little boy to experience shallow relationships and think the world revolves around him. It’s a battle I’m fighting with everything I’ve got. He’s precious to me – and […]
Thank you to the readers who are already showing some love for public school teachers. As mentioned last week, Roadkill Goldfish is encouraging everyone to reach out to a teacher who has made an impact […]
Does your child want to be famous? How many kids fantasize about starring in a Disney Channel show, appearing in the pages of fashion magazines or singing onstage in front of thousands of screaming fans? […]
My family has experienced two firsts with my generation: we have the first college graduate and the first successful business owner. They are two entirely different people. I am the college graduate with undergraduate and […]
So you didn’t watch the Grammy Awards? Good for you. I don’t mean to sound crass, but you’re not doing anyone any favors by proudly proclaiming you won’t watch such filth nor are you helping […]
Maybe it was wrong to teach my daughter to cross her legs when sitting in a chair. Thank you, CBS and the Grammy Awards. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways at […]
Macy and Charlotte loved being human-owners. Their humans fed them yummy meals and played with them, and as a reward, Macy and Charlotte would let their pets sleep beside them at night. All that […]
Quitting can be right and necessary when your best efforts are constantly met with criticism or failure. It felt like the bites of 100,000 mosquitoes, and I had no bug spray. That’s how I describe an […]
My great grandmother attended school for only three years, and my grandmother dropped out during eighth grade. Life circumstances limited their education. Bisabuela grew up in rural Puerto Rico during the early 1900s when public […]
What do parents really want from public schools? Plain and simple, we want them to help us educate our kids. Help them learn to read and write. Build their math skills. Introduce them to science […]
Dear Teachers, I owe you an apology. From the deepest level of my heart, I am so sorry for misjudging you. This is what happens when a person bases her opinion about a school solely […]
Mamapedia selected “Dear Daughter, Let Miley Cyrus be a Lesson to You” as THE top post of 2013 based on the most views, comments and social media sharing. THANK YOU, Mamapedia readers! I am humbled and […]
I am not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. Yes, there are things about my life I’d like to change, but resolutions don’t work for me. My goals were always too high, and the […]
Many people aren’t exactly sure how to define “hate speech,” but they’re pretty confident they’d know it if they heard it. Would you? Take a look at some recent examples of comments that may or […]
Lots of folks want Phil Robertson’s fuzzy head on plate. The patriarch behind the hit reality show, “Duck Dynasty,” engaged in what some consider hate speech in a recent interview with GQ magazine. In the […]
The Lady Eagles played hard on the basketball court; however, the eighth-grade team had a few embarrassing moments. The blonde kept running her mouth every time the opposing team made it to the free throw […]
The Virgin Mary is a single mother in our nativity set. She sits in adoration of the Christ child as the three kings and a young shepherd look on. I have no idea where Joseph […]
I may have scarred my daughter for life with four little words – “Finnick Odair is AWESOME!” My 14-year-old daughter looked at me with a quizzical face. She began to speak, but then swallowed her […]
A newly released book confirms what I’ve suspected for a very long time; I have worked with a bunch of psychopaths. Kevin Dutton’s book, “The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can […]
I saw the pictures, and I cried. Debris and bodies covered what used to be city streets. Survivors clutched each other as they navigated through flood waters to find safety. Families frantically searched for loved […]
History has been made today. It was made yesterday as well, and tomorrow has promise for new developments. Today’s history is being chronicled by millions of people around the world. We call it “news,” but […]
This is my youngest, the one responsible for the recent Come to Jesus Meeting. I had hoped our little talk would have changed her behavior, but she just took crappy attitude to an entirely new […]
I had a “come to Jesus meeting” with our youngest last weekend. For those of you unfamiliar with Southern idioms, the phrase denotes a get-together between two or more people where a candid and somewhat […]
Bullying doesn’t magically end when the perpetrator turns 18. Child bullies often become adult bullies, and although their tactics may change with age and money, their cruelty and callousness remain the same. It’s not hard […]
The photos make like them look like girls who could be in my daughter’s middle school; however, I’m not looking at yearbook photos, I’m looking at the mug shots of two Florida tweens charged with […]
I have a very real fear of guns. The fear is so intense that I literally tremble if I see a firearm and I cry if I try to hold one. Why am I so […]
I received a lot of comments on my “Dear Daughter, Let Miley Cyrus be a Lesson to You post, but none of them could have prepared me for what came through this evening. A comment from […]
My second child would be 12-years-old this month. “Would be” is a sorrowful phrase. My beloved baby died inside me at just 10-weeks-old. A heartbreaking twist of fate caused this child to develop outside my […]
In observance of the federal shutdown, I have opted to show my solidarity by furloughing all of my non-essential services. I am joining the Feds in making things as painful as possible for everyone […]
As a public relations professional, I absolutely hate the phrase, “There is no such thing as bad publicity.” The misguided mantra stems from the erroneous belief that it’s all good as long as people are […]
My daughter really wanted a hamster. Really, really wanted a hamster. “I’ll keep my room clean, I’ll keep the cage clean, and I’ll love it every day,” my fifth-grade girl bargained. No rats in the […]
I would like to thank the amazing creative team at Perry and Associates for creating a visual identity for Roadkill Goldfish. The artistic mastermind is a longtime colleague and Fish Friend with a wicked sense […]
My son was about to bankrupt the family. Two weeks ago, his teacher gave each child a “Home Responsibility Job Application” that listed a variety of jobs that needed to be done in a household. […]
Donna, a blogger at www.decoratingbydonna.com, encountered her very own roadkill goldfish. I’ll let her tell the story: This is the story behind this picture. I was walking with my daughter one evening in the neighborhood […]
Esto es para mis familias latinas… I did it once, and I will never do it again. As a teenager, I committed a grievous sin in Latino culture- I talked back to my mother. […]
Uh oh. I’ve inspired a meme. Thank you to all the Goldfish friends who sent this to me. FYI to the copy editors: Webster’s is okay with “chaperon” or “chaperone.”
I’ve been asked to weigh in on Miley Cyrus’ new video. Well, it’s definitely another teachable moment, but it’s also roughly three minutes of your life you’ll never get back. Don’t waste your time or […]
My friend Cynthia is my mom role model. We met in college. She was like a Golden Retriever puppy with her non-stop energy, positive attitude, unflinching loyalty to friends and approachable manner. I was more […]
My brother would not eat my cooking for years. Why? Because I accidentally tried to kill him once. I was 12-years-old, and I was in charge. My mom and my aunt had gone out for […]
Thank you for making Roadkill Goldfish one of the top blog sites on the Internet. It’s been a crazy week behind the keyboard. Here are a few numbers to measure the insanity: Dear Daughter had […]
I’ve discovered an interesting fact over the last few days. I now know what America looks like. My graphic design skills are pitiful, but here’s the overly simplistic visual aid: See the humongous section in […]
Blogger Matt Walsh doesn’t let Robin Thicke off the hook for his role in VMA’s Foam Finger of Seduction debacle. Read what this insightful and funny dad says to our sons. http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/08/28/dear-son-dont-let-robin-thicke-be-a-lesson-to-you/ Related Posts […]
How do you follow a post that received more than 2.5 million views in its first 36 hours? First, you say “thank you.” Thank you so much for your feedback on Roadkill Goldfish. I am […]
Dear daughter, let Miley Cyrus be a lesson to you. Yes, this is what happens when you constantly hear everything you do is awesome. This is what happens when people fawn over your every […]
My name is Kimberly Helminski Keller, and I am a Latina. My Polish surname hides the reality that the other half of my DNA is Puerto Rican, a genetic mix of Spanish, African and Taino Indian. As a […]
An inner ear disorder makes me avoid quick movements, Japanese cartoons, patterned floors and Joy Behar. My head is its own perpetual thrill ride. If I move my head too quickly, everything starts spinning. Floors feel […]
I am not allowed to give blood. There is no medical reason prohibiting it. In fact, I have a rare blood type, so most folks in the medical community recommend that I donate. However, I’ve […]
I’ve got an idea that may show Abercrombie and Fitch what I really think of their brand, and it involves a seam ripper and a bunch of 40-something moms. Abercrombie & Fitch CEO Mike Jeffries really […]
A warning to Kay Jewelers: My husband would have his butt kicked if he ever gave me jewelry for Mother’s Day. I’ve been anti-frivolous-gift ever since I grasped the whole “your money is my money” […]
I love Rick because he kills all the things that terrify me. Rick is my pest control guy. He has been there when I lost my mind over flying ants coming out of my shower drain. […]
I used to be smart. I’m talking “destroy the curve in school” kind of smart and the “I’ll take Societal Unrest in Medieval Europe for $500, Alex” kind of smart. That ended when my husband […]
Goldfish have never lived long in my house. None survived more than three months. Depending on how I felt about a particular fish, there would be either an elaborate burial in the backyard or a quick […]
Copyright 2016 by Kimberly H. Keller and Roadkill Goldfish