Saying what needs to be said about quirky life with humorous stories and real life observations.
Nothing is quite as unsettling as a dead deer being dragged through the living room. The year was 1980-something, and my stepdad was not a particularly good deer hunter. However, for what he lacked in […]
So, last week, something pretty tragic happened in our household. It’s taken me until now to wrap my head around it and find the words to describe the horror. It started off simple enough – […]
Bridget from cardholder services is stalking me. She calls me two, sometimes three, times day with urgent news about my credit card account. If I hold the line for an operator, I can talk to […]
You can’t tip a cow, but you can throw a cow chip Life lessons you learn growing up in rural America “Have you ever tipped a cow?” No. Aside from being a cruel thing to […]
Her first words after receiving the crown were, “I don’t think everyone understands how important Miss MSU is.” The crowd collectively groaned. I was in that crowd back in 1991. We were witnesses to an […]
Confession time. I have a hard time making friends. Especially with women. Women scare me. I tuned out of the whole estrogen-bonding thing back in high school when I realized dealing with girls involved way […]
Parenting does have its rewards. Please enjoy 60-seconds of my kid making an impassioned plea for cash from the tooth fairy. She had oral surgery just an hour earlier; I filmed and laughed my rear […]
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE DALLAS – The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) filed a lawsuit today against the Keller family and Santa Claus alleging they violated federal civil rights laws by permitting a hostile work environment […]
So, my family was talking about what we would do to survive a zombie apocalypse… This morning. On the way to church. Allow me to explain for a brief second. Yes, we are Christians — […]
Mother Nature is a punk. She lulls me outdoors to see the flowers and feel the breeze on my face – for the sole purpose of loading that breeze with cranium-clogging levels of pollen. She […]
A lot can happen in one year. Roadkill Goldfish was officially born on April 27, 2013 because writing was a whole lot cheaper than therapy. It started with a few dozen readers and ballooned to […]
Sci-Fi Deficit Syndrome often has hilarious consequences. Watch what happens when this mom describes the plot of “The Matrix” to her adult son. Get the newest posts from Roadkill Goldfish delivered straight to your […]
He stood before me and gingerly cradled the box. Unwilling to believe my good fortune, I hesitantly walked toward him and tried to peek at the precious items he held with his muscular arms. Those […]
Annoying Top 40 songs. Every Saturday morning. With an energetic little girl. What could go wrong? Check out this dad who recorded the parental torture he endured for three months at the hands of a […]
This post is dedicated to every parent who has ever spent two consecutive hours playing “Barbie Goes to the Ball, But the Prince Doesn’t Like Her Dress” or “GI Joe in Cowboy Gear Versus the […]
If every trip to Toys-R-Us could end like this… Enjoy 12 seconds of this little guy’s Jedi-infused destruction. Kudos to Dad for making everything an adventure.
This is what happens when you get your man to do your make-up for you – the look is either embalmed corpse or psychotic circus clown. Gotta love these guys for trying. Click the video […]
This video is entirely appropriate in light of my family’s recent four-day battle with stomach flu and the standardized testing mess that is constipating my kids’ lives. I hope you this inspires you as much it […]
Macy and Charlotte loved being human-owners. Their humans fed them yummy meals and played with them, and as a reward, Macy and Charlotte would let their pets sleep beside them at night. All that […]
I am not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. Yes, there are things about my life I’d like to change, but resolutions don’t work for me. My goals were always too high, and the […]
The Virgin Mary is a single mother in our nativity set. She sits in adoration of the Christ child as the three kings and a young shepherd look on. I have no idea where Joseph […]
This is my youngest, the one responsible for the recent Come to Jesus Meeting. I had hoped our little talk would have changed her behavior, but she just took crappy attitude to an entirely new […]
I had a “come to Jesus meeting” with our youngest last weekend. For those of you unfamiliar with Southern idioms, the phrase denotes a get-together between two or more people where a candid and somewhat […]
My daughter really wanted a hamster. Really, really wanted a hamster. “I’ll keep my room clean, I’ll keep the cage clean, and I’ll love it every day,” my fifth-grade girl bargained. No rats in the […]
I would like to thank the amazing creative team at Perry and Associates for creating a visual identity for Roadkill Goldfish. The artistic mastermind is a longtime colleague and Fish Friend with a wicked sense […]
Donna, a blogger at www.decoratingbydonna.com, encountered her very own roadkill goldfish. I’ll let her tell the story: This is the story behind this picture. I was walking with my daughter one evening in the neighborhood […]
My brother would not eat my cooking for years. Why? Because I accidentally tried to kill him once. I was 12-years-old, and I was in charge. My mom and my aunt had gone out for […]
An inner ear disorder makes me avoid quick movements, Japanese cartoons, patterned floors and Joy Behar. My head is its own perpetual thrill ride. If I move my head too quickly, everything starts spinning. Floors feel […]
I am not allowed to give blood. There is no medical reason prohibiting it. In fact, I have a rare blood type, so most folks in the medical community recommend that I donate. However, I’ve […]
I love Rick because he kills all the things that terrify me. Rick is my pest control guy. He has been there when I lost my mind over flying ants coming out of my shower drain. […]
I used to be smart. I’m talking “destroy the curve in school” kind of smart and the “I’ll take Societal Unrest in Medieval Europe for $500, Alex” kind of smart. That ended when my husband […]
Goldfish have never lived long in my house. None survived more than three months. Depending on how I felt about a particular fish, there would be either an elaborate burial in the backyard or a quick […]
Copyright 2016 by Kimberly H. Keller and Roadkill Goldfish