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December 13, 2018

Stupid stuff my children have forced me to say out loud

This  mother is about to stay some crazy stuff.
This mother is about to stay some crazy stuff. Her little moppet just shaved all the hair off the cat’s back legs.

I used to be smart.  I’m talking “destroy the curve in school” kind of smart and the “I’ll take Societal Unrest in Medieval Europe for $500, Alex” kind of smart.

That ended when my husband and I decided to have kids. I started saying and doing really bizarre things, and I attributed it to a phenomenon I called “placenta brain.” The placenta that provided my babies with nutrition also siphoned out some of my brain cells and processed them through my kidneys.

My ultimate placenta brain moment came when my 7-month-pregnant self started yelling in our local Target because I couldn’t find the right maternity underwear. My mortified husband walked away and left me alone in the aisle to face a very shocked grandmother, who immediately dropped  her box L’eggs pantyhose and slowly backed away from me.

I can’t blame it all on pregnancy because the weird circumstances and sentences continued after Girl Child was born, and they grew even weirder with Boy Child arrived four years later. I’ve lost track of all the stupid stuff my children have forced me to say out loud over the past 13 years, but there are a few that are burned deep into my memory.

See if you can beat some of these examples:

  • “I did not hit you for no reason! I  was giving you the Heimlich so you didn’t choke to death on the candy! You should be thanking me right now.”
  • “Do not handcuff your brother to the door!” followed by “No, we don’t have a blow torch to cut him free.”
  • “Put your Pull-Up on first and THEN put the leggings on.”
  • “Baby, you cannot pee on the dog’s bed just because she pooped on yours.”


3 Comments on Stupid stuff my children have forced me to say out loud

  1. There is the moment that happens to all of us when we here our mother come screaming out of our mouth-“don’t make me pull over and come back there!” Done it & I followed up the statement & pulled over!

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