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January 27, 2021

Take the Dept. of Education’s standardized test for parents

Secretary Arnie Duncan says backlash from Common Core is coming from "white suburban moms who — all of a sudden — their child isn’t as brilliant as they thought they were, and their school isn’t quite as good as they thought they were.”
Secretary Arnie Duncan says backlash from Common Core is coming from “white suburban moms who — all of a sudden — their child isn’t as brilliant as they thought they were, and their school isn’t quite as good as they thought they were.”

Dear Parents,

We recognize many of you have questions and concerns about the use of standardized testing in our nation’s public schools. We believe these tests provide excellent data about children’s academic progress, and the use of these tests helps all of us reach higher standards in education.

The U.S. Department of Education believes parents should reach higher standards as well, and that’s why we’ve created a high stakes standardized test just for you. A passing score on this test will establish you as a well-qualified parent, while a failing score indicates need for improvement and intervention.

Read each question carefully and select an answer from the options listed below the question. Please note several answers may seem correct, but you should choose what we consider the BEST response for each question.

Let’s begin.


1. Allie starts school at 8:30 a.m. She has 20 minutes for lunch, and a 40 minute physical education class. School dismisses at 3:30 p.m.

Allie then goes to a mandatory tutoring program to prepare for the upcoming 8th grade standardized test. She is there from 3:45 to 5 p.m. She arrives home at 5:30 p.m. and spends 90 minutes doing chores and eating dinner with her family. She works on her regularly assigned homework from 7 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.

How much time does Allie spend on academic-related activities during the day?

A. 9.75 hours

B. More time than the average adult spends at work

C. Roughly the same number of hours she should spend sleeping

D. Not enough! She should spend all her time working on school stuff and preparing for the standardized test. Drop the worthless family time and chores.

2. Which one of the following educational activities is appropriate for kindergarten students?

A. Using dramatic play to help them with social interaction, decision-making skills, creativity and imagination

B. Using  blocks to help them learn about size, shape, balance and counting

C. Reading aloud to them to foster pre-reading and pre-writing skills

D. Assessing their academic progress via a standardized test, even though they can barely sit still for 10 minutes and don’t have the fine motor skills to hold a #2 pencil for extended periods of time

3. Who is best qualified to make decisions about children’s education?

A. Parents

B. Experienced teachers

C. The local school board

D. Your state’s governor, the secretary of the U.S. Department of Education and for-profit testing companies. Everyone else knows nothing.

4. Standardized test scores are an accurate measurement of your child’s intelligence, teachers’ effectiveness and schools’ quality.

A. False

B. Completely false

C. What is wrong with you? False, false, false!

D. Absolutely, positively true. Accept it.

5. Standardized test scores reveal students are performing poorly in the U.S. public education system. These performance problems are caused by:

A. Socioeconomic conditions

B. Lack of parental involvement

C. Larger class sizes and fewer teachers

D. Students aren’t used to high standards and accountability. We need more standardized testing to hold them accountable.

6. Read the statements below. Which selection is written correctly?

A. Many students are affected by test anxiety or do not show their learning well on a standardized test, resulting in inaccurately lower scores.

B. Texas requires fifth grade students to take six different standardized tests during the school year.  The first three are considered “practice” tests, and the final three are officially scored. Each individual test is four hours long.

C. Standardized testing can cause curriculum narrowing and teaching to the test.

D. People who oppose high stakes standardized testing want to dumb down our schools. They must be stopped.

7. Hayden, who has struggled with a few eighth grade classes, was told he would not go to high school next year if he did not do well on the standardized tests. How does Hayden feel about the news?

A. He feels stupid.

B. He feels hopeless.

C. He feels anxious.

D. He feels energized and convinced he will do well on the tests. You can do it, Hayden!

8. An effective teacher is one who:

A. Uses a variety of teaching techniques to help her students learn

B. Gets students excited about learning

C.  Provides encouragement when none is available at home

D. Has the best standardized test scores in the school

9. What will happen if you refuse to allow your child to take a standardized test or participate in test-prep tutoring or homework?

A. Your child’s grades will suffer.

B. Your child will be not be promoted to the next grade.

C. You will be intimidated into submission.

D. Others will suffer because of your disobedience. Your school will lose valuable funding and prestige, and teachers will lose their jobs. Congratulations on destroying your community.



Please respond the following confidential demographic questions that in no way will ever be used by an inappropriate source, used out of context or used for retaliatory reasons.

  1. How stable is your current job?
  2. Have you checked out how expensive private schools are?
  3. Do you realize how much time and patience you’ll need to home school your child?
  4. Are you a hippie? Free-thinker? Religious freak?
  5. How much do you weigh?
  6. What is the highest level of education you have attained?
  7. How well do you obey authority?
  8. What is your greatest fear? (Reminder: This is strictly for demographic use. No one will try to harm you in any way, shape or form.)


Thank you for taking the time to take this test. All answers should have been D.

If you chose any other response, the Department of Health and Human Services has already placed your children in foster care, pending the results of your upcoming IRS audit. Texas residents are reminded the gracious government leaders opted out of Common Core, and anti-testing parents will be subjected to public shaming for their lack of gratitude.

9 Comments on Take the Dept. of Education’s standardized test for parents

  1. I as a parent am deeply frustrated with my school system’s expectations of my daughters. My youngest is in danger of repeating kindergarten for a third time. And not because the teacher or her home life is at fault, but because she learns using a different method than her peers. Yet her teacher is not allowed to use a different method to help my baby reach her potential. She has been placed in special ed and she and I both feel like failures. But the state demands my child learn THEIR WAY, and not through alternative means. I have priced private tutoring, home schooling, and private schools. All are out of my capacity to fund.
    I grew up in an era where teachers had full access to whatever media and curriculums best suited the students. I am a grad of a college for dental…. and yet my child and I both (in essence) are told we are the dumbest people in the community. Shame on you GA! My child shouldnt have to go through this!

    • Rebecca,

      I am so sorry to hear about this nightmare you and your family are experiencing. It’s horribly unfair and unnecessary. Please find out who your GA state reps are and send them a copy of this comment. Send it to your local newspaper. They need to know how this mess impacts their community.

      Please know there are THOUSANDS of us out there who are tired of being shushed by the so-called experts, and we’re getting louder. Hugs and prayers to ya, fellow mom.

    • It wasn’t too hard. I simply modeled it after some of the test prep my kids have brought home. 🙂

      And yes, I thoroughly enjoyed this — in a very constructive passive aggressive way. Maybe satire can get the “experts'” attention. I’d love to have one call me to explain how this helps my child. I’d rip their talking points to shreds.

  2. I could definitely see this being a government standardized test. Admittedly, I do hope you are being sarcastic and snarky in response to the half a gazillion different stardardized hoops ^H^H^H^H^H tests they are putting kids through these days.

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  1. Texas officials upset over low STAAR scores; won't admit problems with the test and curriculum. | Roadkill Goldfish

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